March 24, 2023
By an eye-witness Muggle
(For more information, see ARAPAHOE COUNTY GOP - BAD ELECTION? - LIVE WITH IT🔗)

AC GOP Announces the Absolute, For-Sure, We Really Mean It This Time, FINAL Number of Voting Members Present: 
It Was Definitely Eleventy-One!

Update: AC GOP announces it might have been eleventy-three. “It’s not like we pinky-promised that was the last update.”

At their recent meeting to select the chair, vice-chair, and secretary for the next two years, the Arapahoe County Republican Party announced the original number of voting members present was 183, but it got changed to 180 because some people got in the wrong line. “There were only three lines, and they were clearly marked as soon as you got to the table after spending half an hour in line. You got a problem with that?” said one committee member. 

Shortly afterward, the credentialing committee updated the total to 181, because somebody came in even later than the late start of the meeting, which was totally understandable with all the traffic in Denver on Saturday mornings. “So let it be written, so let it be done,” decreed the chair. “I mean, let’s vote to agree with that total.” Obediently, the quorum of members present voted to agree with the change.

After everybody filled out their ballots and placed them in the ballot boxes and the ballot boxes were whisked off to a small room for counting by a few people personally vetted by the chair, the ballots were counted. Miraculously, there were 183. The counters, after a moment of silence in honor of the Deep Magic of ballot reproduction, counted again, and again, and now the total was 184. Eagerly, they announced the even Deeper Magic to the chair. “184, you say? Oh, okay, so let it be written, so let it be done.”

Unfortunately, a few Muggles had sneaked in to the party, and suspicious of magic as Muggles invariably are, they questioned why the number of ballots didn’t match the number of voters. “Oh, yeah,” said the credentialing committee, “there were these other three people who showed up late too. We were just about to mention it. We definitely have 184 people here. Cross my heart and hope to die.”

The sort-ofmaybe quorum of members who still happened to be in the main room voted on behalf of all the members meeting in other rooms, to agree with the change.

The Muggles, surprisingly, wanted to see the names of the 184 people.

“We never give out lists of names; that’s personally identifiable information,” the credentialing committee chief said. “These are not the droids you’re looking for…I mean…let me try again…how does that hand movement work?”

“The Force is not strong with this one,” muttered a greenish member with pointy ears. “There is no try.”

“The total is 184, hereinafter and forever,” announced the chair. “So let it be written, so let it be done. See, that’s how you do it. I tested very high for midichlorians.”

“We want to see the list of voting members,” chanted the boring, unmagical, Muggles.

“I have no list of voting members,” said the chief of the credentialing committee.

“Fezzik, tear off her arms,” said the chief of the Muggles.

“Oh, you mean this list of voting members,” groaned the chief of the credentialing committee, handing it over.

“Point of order,” snapped the chair’s pet parliamentarian, “You’re mixing movie metaphors! Not allowed!”

“Yeah, but you did it back there,” said the chief of the Muggles.

“Sure, but that’s allowed under Robert’s Rules for Thee and Not for Me. Besides, the chair’s fingers were crossed,” said the pet parliamentarian.

“Hmm,” said the Muggles’ parliamentarian. “I see what you mean, it’s right there in chapter five of Robert’s Other Rules. Well then, motion from the floor: crossed fingers, Pharaohnic pronouncements, and attempts to impersonate Jedis shall not overrule the will of a full quorum of voting members.”

“You are SUCH a Muggle,” said the pet parliamentarian. “You need to embrace your inner wizard.”

“Hey,” cut in the chief Muggle, “there are 187 people on this list, and there’s at least one person who wasn’t here who is on the list and another person who was here who isn’t.”

“It’s quite magical, how people Apparate and Disapparate out of thin air,” said the chair. “You should embrace the magic, stop letting your logic get in the way. So it’s 187, then. So let it be written, so let it be done.”

“You can’t do that,” said the Muggle parliamentarian.

“I can too,” said the chair, “I had backsies. Besides, we didn’t shake hands and spit on it.”

At publishing time, the Muggle parliamentarian was wearily making a motion against the use of backsies, quitsies, and touch-blue-make-it-true.

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